Perfection. Or lack thereof....

I am horrible at this blogging thing. Although, I used to have a diary too - but I only wrote in that like 3 times a year. Don't know why I expected to be good at this right away. :)

I have a new analogy for how I feel about life. Remember the game Perfection? It was a plastic box with lots of shapes cut out of it, and you had to out all the little shape pieces in the holes before the timer ran out and it popped them all back out. Well, my life reminds me of that right now. All the little yellow pieces are scattered all over the place, and I can't seem to find them to get them into their right places. I have 5 classes, and three of them have labs - so basically 8 classes. Three of them are night classes, two of them during the days. I work for three hours every day; which isn't much, but it's right in-between classes. So, my basic schedule on the weekdays is this - get up, go to school or lab, grab lunch on the run to work, leave a little early from work to get back to school, eat in class, then get home by 10 to do homework and then go to sleep. To make things more interesting, I live 25 minutes from school, and then 25 minutes from school is work. I work 15 hours a week, and with that money I pay for $50 a week in gas, over $250 in rent and utilities, and then on top of that schooling and food. To be completely honest, I am NOT making ends meet. I am extremely thankful for parents who are understanding and help me out even though they don't have much to spare either.

And yet, I sit here and listen to all the stories that my friends have to tell, the things they've been through and are going through, and I realize I am not alone in this feeling of utter chaos. Which is somewhat encouraging.

I guess you could say that the yellow piece representing my boyfriend is in it's spot. Everything in that area seems to be ok now. He's still amazing, and now we finally have come to an agreement and commitment to cut down on our physical closeness. Which has actually taken a huge weight off of things. We've spent a lot of time together recently, and for the most part the tension has been non-existent. It's also really nice because now there is a great balance of friendship and "dating-ness". It has been a wonderful relief to spend time with him in the midst of my chaotic life.

On the other hand, my relationship with the One who matters most is down the tubes. I haven't spent time in His word (more than once or twice) since, well, high school really. I keep telling myself I"m going to change, that I'll start reading and talking to Him more - but at the end of each week I realize that I've totally put Him on the back burner again. It's a horribly uneasy feeling - knowing the truth about the purpose of living, and yet not letting it affect how I live. It is so weird. I know, and have known since I was very small, the truth of God's love for me and that He sent His son to die in my place. I know in my head that this is true, but I do not act on it. What does that mean? That I don't believe? That I've lost my faith?

I absolutely believe that I gave my life to Christ, and that He forgave my sins and made me His own. But my question is this -

How far is too far? How much is too much? When does God say "Ok, I've had enough of you ignoring my laws, and enough of you ignoring my presence and authority in your life. You're done. Have it your way. I'm done begging to be a part of your life."

I've been basically ignoring Him for 2 1/2 years now....

When does God give up?