You held out your arms, I walked away

Insolent, I spurned your face.

Squandering the gifts you gave to me

Holding close forbidden things.

Destitute, a rebel still

A fool in all my pride

The world I once enjoyed is death to me

No joy, no hope, no life.

Where now are the friends that I had bought?

Gone with every penny lost.

What hope could there be for such as I?

Sold out to a world of lies.

Oh to see Your face again!

It seems so distant now.

Could it be that You would take me back...

a servant in your house?

You held out Your arms

I see them still-

You never left, You never will.

Running to embrace me - now I know

Your cords of love will always hold.

Mercy's robe, a ring of grace-

Such favor undeserved.

You sing over me and celebrate,

The rebel now Your child!

[link to youtube video]

If No One Will Listen

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough that you might drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you'll find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am so sick of holding everything in. So tired of silencing myself because other people might not like it. I have found that I care way too much what other people think, and not nearly enough about what God thinks and how to become what He wants me to be.
I feel like I've always had to be "good child", the one that didn't cause any trouble, because with four kids, there is plenty to deal with. But me, I'm the good one. The little adult who never really caused any ripples or made much noise. And now, because of that, I feel like I can't voice who I am around my parents, because even though they raised me and know me, they have no idea who I really am. I can't tell them what I think, because they may not approve. Sometimes I feel like they'd be shocked if they knew who I really was and what I really think about life. And I still feel like I can't break out of that mold, because I'm supposed to be an example for my siblings, and if I start disagreeing with them or bringing up opinions that don't match perfectly, it'll cause mass chaos and mutiny... ugh. I wish I could talk to them about things, work through issues that I'm having, with them on my side, not judging me.
I am feeling so much rebellion in my heart nowadays. I guess it's also a blessing that I care too much what other people think, because it is keeping me from being completely rebellious toward my parents. I've been supressing myself so much that my parents think I was the easiest teenager ever. I never voiced any of my opinions or disagreements with them. I so so so wish I would have.

I feel like I'm just going to explode. And I don't want to be disrespectful or disobedient toward my parents, but I feel like yelling and crying is the only way to get them to listen to me. I'm sick of changing the subject every time something uncomfortable comes up, and pretending that if we ignore the problem long enough it will just go away. I know in my head that they love me, but I feel like they don't show it. I wish more than anything they would actually punish me for something, just to show that they actually care. I just want to scream. I want to get all this out, because it's just all bottled up inside me, and it just keeps building. I'm to the point where I feel like I need to make them mad to get their attention. I never used to understand kids that acted up continually - but now I totally understand. Because at least then your parents are forced to pay attention to you. They are forced to either discipline you in love, or just act disappointed (which really feels like you are simply annoying to them.) I know I'm 21, but I honestly cannot remember the last time when my parents actually punished me. I feel like they thought I would do just fine on my own, and that I was mature enough to make my own decisions, because I was always the "little adult". How I wish I was the trouble child - to have the constant attention and proof that they care enough to try and mold me into something better.


I'm breaking inside. Actually, broken. My heart is smashed to pieces, and NO ONE KNOWS. I am suffocating in this ocean, drowning in pain and confusion and doubt, and no one notices. I feel like I'm screaming - PLEASE, will no one look in my eyes when I say I'm fine and call me out?? Does no one see the pain? Does no one care?
I'm so lost. I don't know what to think, who to believe, or how to even begin mending this broken heart. And I know in my head that God loves me, and that if I seek Him, I will be healed. But I feel so inadequate when I read the Bible. I don't know how to study, how to get anything from the text I'm reading. I am an infant spiritually, and I feel like I'm brand new at this whole thing, even though I've attended church since I was a baby. I am struggling in my faith, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to sit there and pretend that I know it all and that if I said anything, people would judge me and think I was horrible. And then I realize how much I depend on what others think, and that it's hindering the healing of my heart and the restoration of my relationship with God. But when you've grown up in the same church your whole life, around the same people who have watched you grow up, how do you go about telling them that you don't know what to believe anymore and that you are struggling with your faith? That you cannot understand how God could love you unconditionally, because you feel as though you haven't really tasted unconditional love, and aren't able to rest in the knowledge that someone loves you for who you are? What does that say about your home life and parents and everything? You simply cannot say anything that would let people know that your family is broken and hurting. I am so worried about what other people think that I am suppressing who I am and ruining my relationships by letting them stay broken and twisted.

And so I sit here, typing on my computer, pouring out my heart to absolutely no one, because I cannot tell anyone else. I cannot show my true colors, because no one likes them, and they are too broken for anyone to deal with. I cannot tell you what I would give for someone to come alongside me and help me through this miserable time in my life; to not judge me on how broken I am, to not simply assume I am being overly dramatic - but to understand that my heart is ripped apart, that I am in so much pain, and to sit with me while I mourn and cry it out, and then to gently help me on the path toward healing my heart by mending my relationship with God, and helping me work through the other broken relationships. To promise not to give up on me, not to leave me in the middle because it's too much mess. For someone to really and truly love me unconditionally and do everything in their power to help me work through all the pieces and parts of my heart. For someone to understand where I'm at, and to mean every word of this song:

I found her staring at the rain
And asking why it has to hurt so bad
Where’s the limit to the pain
Her heart can take before it breaks in half?
I wanted to be strong enough to hold her
And show her the way
But she’s so far out of reach
And now all I can do is pray...

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel

She wanders further in the dark
Feels the cold, hears the thunder cry
While the rain keeps pouring down
Her only answer from the lonely sky
And she has no idea how much You love her
Or how much You care
So would You choose one of Your best
To be the answer to my prayer?

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel

Oh, I don’t know what else to pray this time
Maybe an angel can lead her lonesome heart away to Jesus' side

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel

Perfection. Or lack thereof....

I am horrible at this blogging thing. Although, I used to have a diary too - but I only wrote in that like 3 times a year. Don't know why I expected to be good at this right away. :)

I have a new analogy for how I feel about life. Remember the game Perfection? It was a plastic box with lots of shapes cut out of it, and you had to out all the little shape pieces in the holes before the timer ran out and it popped them all back out. Well, my life reminds me of that right now. All the little yellow pieces are scattered all over the place, and I can't seem to find them to get them into their right places. I have 5 classes, and three of them have labs - so basically 8 classes. Three of them are night classes, two of them during the days. I work for three hours every day; which isn't much, but it's right in-between classes. So, my basic schedule on the weekdays is this - get up, go to school or lab, grab lunch on the run to work, leave a little early from work to get back to school, eat in class, then get home by 10 to do homework and then go to sleep. To make things more interesting, I live 25 minutes from school, and then 25 minutes from school is work. I work 15 hours a week, and with that money I pay for $50 a week in gas, over $250 in rent and utilities, and then on top of that schooling and food. To be completely honest, I am NOT making ends meet. I am extremely thankful for parents who are understanding and help me out even though they don't have much to spare either.

And yet, I sit here and listen to all the stories that my friends have to tell, the things they've been through and are going through, and I realize I am not alone in this feeling of utter chaos. Which is somewhat encouraging.

I guess you could say that the yellow piece representing my boyfriend is in it's spot. Everything in that area seems to be ok now. He's still amazing, and now we finally have come to an agreement and commitment to cut down on our physical closeness. Which has actually taken a huge weight off of things. We've spent a lot of time together recently, and for the most part the tension has been non-existent. It's also really nice because now there is a great balance of friendship and "dating-ness". It has been a wonderful relief to spend time with him in the midst of my chaotic life.

On the other hand, my relationship with the One who matters most is down the tubes. I haven't spent time in His word (more than once or twice) since, well, high school really. I keep telling myself I"m going to change, that I'll start reading and talking to Him more - but at the end of each week I realize that I've totally put Him on the back burner again. It's a horribly uneasy feeling - knowing the truth about the purpose of living, and yet not letting it affect how I live. It is so weird. I know, and have known since I was very small, the truth of God's love for me and that He sent His son to die in my place. I know in my head that this is true, but I do not act on it. What does that mean? That I don't believe? That I've lost my faith?

I absolutely believe that I gave my life to Christ, and that He forgave my sins and made me His own. But my question is this -

How far is too far? How much is too much? When does God say "Ok, I've had enough of you ignoring my laws, and enough of you ignoring my presence and authority in your life. You're done. Have it your way. I'm done begging to be a part of your life."

I've been basically ignoring Him for 2 1/2 years now....

When does God give up?