Good Evening!

It's been a bit... here's an update.

1. I love my man. He's so great! We went skiing for valentine's Day - not my choice, but he really wants me to learn, and it was great to have him there encouraging me to be brave. =] Then we went out for dinner at the Bostwick Lake Inn (yum!) and then to Kohls and TGIFridays for my FAVORITE cheesecake! And, truth be told, he has spent more time with me this week than he really had time for, and I love him for it.

2. School is going well... I'm keeping up with my online classes and everything! And so is work (since now those two overlap) - Thursday I sat down with the lead teacher in our room and worked out a schedule for my doing circle time, and to work things out with Diane coming to observe and all.

3. It's snowing... again. ugh. After a week of warmer (40's and 50's) weather, we are supposed to have another dumping. I was perfectly fine with winter being done, but whatever. haha.

4. I got to watch two Jane Austen movies today, which has put me in a wonderful mood. Not so great a mood, however, to watch Lord of the Rings with my sister. Sorry girl. Not happening. Instead I sit here on my computer, trying to think of a circle time activity to do with the kiddos at work tomorrow. As of yet, I've got nothing. =]

5. Lastly, I love Michael Buble. My uncle has graciously let us borrow his mp3 player for almost two months now, and I've only just recently started exploring his library. He has a jazz playlist that I have fallen in love with, and Michael is a major part of that playlist. So, my songs for the week are, of course, going to be jazz. yum.

Always on my Mind - Michael

Smile - Chris Botti feat. Stephen Tyler - a surprising combo, but absolutely gorgeous.

Wonderful Tonight - Michael

Cry Me a River - Michael

and I'll stop there, because otherwise I would probably list the whole playlist =] But seriously, go listen to these - and more!

[Ok, so I am really bad at this... and this will be the last time I say that. =] New goal - instead of every Monday, it's once a week. Problem solved! ]

Life is good. It really is. I am pretty much set to graduate this spring, and that is totally worth jumping up and down! It's almost unreal. I feel like I've been in school forever... oh wait, I have! But, it is almost finished. And that makes me very happy.

I'm getting a lot of extra hours at work, which is great, and my schedule this semester is making it very easy to catch up with friends. I just wish I had more gas $$ to go and see those that are farther away.

I had breakfast with my bestie this morning. We have decided to make a tradition out of it - every other week, we get together for breakfast and giggle and gab and catch up on each other's lives. With our schedules nowadays, we don't get to see each other very often.

My boyfriend is planning our Valentine's date... and won't tell me what it is!!! All he told me is that I need to wear snow-gear because it'll be outside, and that it's something I haven't done before. Don't get me wrong, I like surprises ~ but this one is driving me crazy! Until now, I thought I had tried everything winter-outdoor-sy. I've been skiing, tubing, sledding, fort-making, ice-fishing, ice-skating... what else is there? Snowboarding I have not done, but I don't think he would choose that, given my skiing experience (it took me 45 minutes to finally make it to the bottom of the hill the first time - skiing is not my thing). So, that leaves me to wonder and wait, I guess.

I baked an angel food cake yesterday. It's definitely my favorite kind of cake. While looking through recipes last week, I came across a little notecard my grandma had written, and it made me really happy. Here's what it said:

How to Preserve a Husband

Be careful in your selection. Do not choose too young. When selected, give your entire thoughts to preparation for domestic use. Some wives insist upon keeping them in a pickle, others are constantly getting them into hot water. This may make them sour, hard, and sometimes bitter; even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender, and good by garnishing them with patience, well sweetened with love and seasoned with kisses. Wrap them in a mantle of charity. Keep warm with a steady fire of domestic devotion and serve with peachest cream. Thus prepared, they will keep for years.

I thought that was super cute!

Song for the week... hmm. Well, Valentine's Day is around the corner, so this week's song is Galileo, by Josh Groban. Not only a gorgeous voice, but great lyrics.

Galileo fell in love

As a Galilean boy

And he wondered what in heaven,

who invented such a joy?

But the question got the better

Of his scientific mind

And to his blind and dying day

He looked up high, and often sighed,

And sometimes cried

Who puts the rainbow in the sky?

Who lights the stars at night?

Who dreamt up someone so divine?

Someone like you and made them mine?

Love can make you ask some

funny questions now and then,

But just remember the alternatives-

For I remember when I was lonely

And unhappy and my lips were cold as ice

But you kissed me, and good heavens,

Now I'm here in paradise!

So if ever I'm not kissing you

Or looking in your eyes

I won't be blind, and I won't cry

I'll look up high, and gladly sigh,

and thank The Guy

Who puts the rainbow in the sky

Who lights the stars at night

Who dreamt up someone so divine

Someone like you and made them mine

Someone like you and made them mine.

Snow-mageddon, Snow-pocalypse, Snow-palooza.... I call it a Grown-up Snow Day!!! Over 1700 closings in West Michigan, and around 16 inches of snow overnight!!

Ack! Messed it up already. Well, Tuesday is close enough I guess.

Happy February! What a great month. The meteorologists are calling for a big old blizzard tonight/tomorrow. We're supposed to get anywhere between 8-16 inches apparently, which would definitely bring a snow day. But, knowing Michigan, it'll probably skip over us. At any rate, I hope it is a snowday. Wednesdays are my days off from school, and it would be nice to not have to work either. =] As long as the weather is manageable by Thursday - I have yoga [which is one of my new favorites, and I'm sure a new hobby] and a Government test. Then, I have lunch with my boyfriend. Altogether, a good day, and I'd rather it not get messed with.

Graduation plans are on track. I got my audit back, and it said all I need to do is finish the classes I'm in now, and take English 100 and 102... both of which I was under the impression were covered by my CLEP test I took my first year of college. So, I have to go figure out what happened. But, even if I have to take them again, I can CLEP out of it again and be done. Woot woot! I am so ready to be done with school!

Winter has been kinda slow... my boyfriend told me I need a new hobby. Well, I have plans to learn guitar this summer, but no $ to get one now. So, for the time being, I think my hobby shall be baking. I made oatmeal scotchies last week - used a different recipe than usual, and they were kinda weird looking, but they were a hit! I thought they were delicious too. This week, I'm not so sure what to make...

Song for the week ~ it has no words, but it's really pretty. My bestie gave me a bunch of piano music this past week, and I have really enjoyed it. Anyways, one of my favorites is Moon, by George Winston. Another favorite piano piece, while on the subject, is Claire de Lune by Claude Debussy (this particular version includes a really cool visual). And anything by Yanni (my favorite so far is this one). =] Perfect for homework-ing or falling asleep.

Resolution

Happy 2011!

Alright, I know. It's been 2011 for a few weeks. But, as I am not very consistent with this blogging thing, I have not been on in 2011 until now. So, happy 2011!! One of my resolutions (that I just made this morning~btw, in case you don't know me, I don't do much on time) is to post something at least once a week. In the past, I have used this blog for venting on really bad days, and that's not what I made it to be. And, no one wants to read that, as evidenced by the fact that no one has read this. Go figure. So anyways, my goal is to try and post every Monday. Here goes!

My weekend was great. I spent Friday night watching Dr. Who with my friend, Saturday with my sister, got my new iPod(!!!), and then got all dolled up to go with my boyfriend to his work party, which was awkward at first, but turned out great. We ended up sitting next to a wonderful Christian couple (God thing!) and chatted for hours - I loved it. Sunday I taught my pre-k class about God choosing David to be king of Israel, but that he had to wait until God was done using Saul. Once again, a message that hit home with me - God has a plan for you, but it will not happen on your timeline, it will happen on His. I think God wanted me to teach these kids so that I could learn a thing or two. =]

Song for this week... I know it's a secular song, and wasn't written with God in mind, but I really feel that these lyrics speak my heart and where it's at right now. So, as you read this, think of it in that light, and I think you'll find that it fits.

What's Left Of Me

Watched my life pass me by

in the rearview mirror

Pictures frozen in time

are becoming clearer

I don't wanna waste another day

stuck in the shadow of my mistakes - yeah

Cause I want you

and I feel you

crawling underneath my skin

Like a hunger, like a burnin

to find a place I've never been

Now I'm broken, and I'm faded

I'm half the man I thought I would be

But you can have

what's left of me.

I've been dying inside

little by little

Nowhere to go

I'm goin outta my mind

An endless circle

runnin from myself until

You gave me a reason for standing still

And I want you

and I feel you

crawling underneath my skin

Like a hunger, like a burnin

to find the place I've never been

Now I'm broken, and I'm faded

I'm half the man I thought I would be

But you can have

what's left of me.

Fallin' faster

barely breathing

Give me somethin to believe in

Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man

Make me whole once again

Cause I want you

and I feel you

crawling underneath my skin

Like a hunger, like a burnin

to find the place I've never been

Now I'm broken, and I'm faded

I'm half the man I thought I would be

You can have, all that's left, (yeah, yeah, yeah)

what's left of me

I've been dying inside you see

I'm goin outta my mind (outta my mind)

I'm just runnin' in circles all the time

Will you take what's left? x3 -- of me

I'm just runnin' in circles in my mind

Will you take what's left? x3 -- of me

Take what's left of me

You held out your arms, I walked away

Insolent, I spurned your face.

Squandering the gifts you gave to me

Holding close forbidden things.

Destitute, a rebel still

A fool in all my pride

The world I once enjoyed is death to me

No joy, no hope, no life.

Where now are the friends that I had bought?

Gone with every penny lost.

What hope could there be for such as I?

Sold out to a world of lies.

Oh to see Your face again!

It seems so distant now.

Could it be that You would take me back...

a servant in your house?

You held out Your arms

I see them still-

You never left, You never will.

Running to embrace me - now I know

Your cords of love will always hold.

Mercy's robe, a ring of grace-

Such favor undeserved.

You sing over me and celebrate,

The rebel now Your child!

[link to youtube video]

If No One Will Listen

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough that you might drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you'll find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am so sick of holding everything in. So tired of silencing myself because other people might not like it. I have found that I care way too much what other people think, and not nearly enough about what God thinks and how to become what He wants me to be.
I feel like I've always had to be "good child", the one that didn't cause any trouble, because with four kids, there is plenty to deal with. But me, I'm the good one. The little adult who never really caused any ripples or made much noise. And now, because of that, I feel like I can't voice who I am around my parents, because even though they raised me and know me, they have no idea who I really am. I can't tell them what I think, because they may not approve. Sometimes I feel like they'd be shocked if they knew who I really was and what I really think about life. And I still feel like I can't break out of that mold, because I'm supposed to be an example for my siblings, and if I start disagreeing with them or bringing up opinions that don't match perfectly, it'll cause mass chaos and mutiny... ugh. I wish I could talk to them about things, work through issues that I'm having, with them on my side, not judging me.
I am feeling so much rebellion in my heart nowadays. I guess it's also a blessing that I care too much what other people think, because it is keeping me from being completely rebellious toward my parents. I've been supressing myself so much that my parents think I was the easiest teenager ever. I never voiced any of my opinions or disagreements with them. I so so so wish I would have.

I feel like I'm just going to explode. And I don't want to be disrespectful or disobedient toward my parents, but I feel like yelling and crying is the only way to get them to listen to me. I'm sick of changing the subject every time something uncomfortable comes up, and pretending that if we ignore the problem long enough it will just go away. I know in my head that they love me, but I feel like they don't show it. I wish more than anything they would actually punish me for something, just to show that they actually care. I just want to scream. I want to get all this out, because it's just all bottled up inside me, and it just keeps building. I'm to the point where I feel like I need to make them mad to get their attention. I never used to understand kids that acted up continually - but now I totally understand. Because at least then your parents are forced to pay attention to you. They are forced to either discipline you in love, or just act disappointed (which really feels like you are simply annoying to them.) I know I'm 21, but I honestly cannot remember the last time when my parents actually punished me. I feel like they thought I would do just fine on my own, and that I was mature enough to make my own decisions, because I was always the "little adult". How I wish I was the trouble child - to have the constant attention and proof that they care enough to try and mold me into something better.


I'm breaking inside. Actually, broken. My heart is smashed to pieces, and NO ONE KNOWS. I am suffocating in this ocean, drowning in pain and confusion and doubt, and no one notices. I feel like I'm screaming - PLEASE, will no one look in my eyes when I say I'm fine and call me out?? Does no one see the pain? Does no one care?
I'm so lost. I don't know what to think, who to believe, or how to even begin mending this broken heart. And I know in my head that God loves me, and that if I seek Him, I will be healed. But I feel so inadequate when I read the Bible. I don't know how to study, how to get anything from the text I'm reading. I am an infant spiritually, and I feel like I'm brand new at this whole thing, even though I've attended church since I was a baby. I am struggling in my faith, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to sit there and pretend that I know it all and that if I said anything, people would judge me and think I was horrible. And then I realize how much I depend on what others think, and that it's hindering the healing of my heart and the restoration of my relationship with God. But when you've grown up in the same church your whole life, around the same people who have watched you grow up, how do you go about telling them that you don't know what to believe anymore and that you are struggling with your faith? That you cannot understand how God could love you unconditionally, because you feel as though you haven't really tasted unconditional love, and aren't able to rest in the knowledge that someone loves you for who you are? What does that say about your home life and parents and everything? You simply cannot say anything that would let people know that your family is broken and hurting. I am so worried about what other people think that I am suppressing who I am and ruining my relationships by letting them stay broken and twisted.

And so I sit here, typing on my computer, pouring out my heart to absolutely no one, because I cannot tell anyone else. I cannot show my true colors, because no one likes them, and they are too broken for anyone to deal with. I cannot tell you what I would give for someone to come alongside me and help me through this miserable time in my life; to not judge me on how broken I am, to not simply assume I am being overly dramatic - but to understand that my heart is ripped apart, that I am in so much pain, and to sit with me while I mourn and cry it out, and then to gently help me on the path toward healing my heart by mending my relationship with God, and helping me work through the other broken relationships. To promise not to give up on me, not to leave me in the middle because it's too much mess. For someone to really and truly love me unconditionally and do everything in their power to help me work through all the pieces and parts of my heart. For someone to understand where I'm at, and to mean every word of this song:

I found her staring at the rain
And asking why it has to hurt so bad
Where’s the limit to the pain
Her heart can take before it breaks in half?
I wanted to be strong enough to hold her
And show her the way
But she’s so far out of reach
And now all I can do is pray...

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel

She wanders further in the dark
Feels the cold, hears the thunder cry
While the rain keeps pouring down
Her only answer from the lonely sky
And she has no idea how much You love her
Or how much You care
So would You choose one of Your best
To be the answer to my prayer?

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel

Oh, I don’t know what else to pray this time
Maybe an angel can lead her lonesome heart away to Jesus' side

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel